Lucky in Oz

Manifesto

The mom of a two-year-old posted a query on one of the neighborhood listservs asking for advice about school – preschool, elementary school, how to choose, when to start the search, how to get in, etc. I gave her an earful, um, I mean, inboxful I guess. Obviously, this is important stuff to me. So, here it is for your reading pleasure. Ah hem. And it will provide a context for my upcoming 15 minutes of fame – stay tuned regarding that.

The most important thing I learned is that you do not have to participate in the stress and competition. (This may not be what you expect or want to hear – but it is my 2 cents.) I’m not sure what your situation is – socioeconomic status, etc. – and I hope I don't offend – but the most important thing that my husband and I did to ensure our child a good education … we did before she was even born. By which I mean: the fact that she is the child of college-educated, affluent parents (who read to her every day) pretty much guarantees that she's be fine. She’s an adaptable, fairly “easy” kid who’s always been developmentally right on target. So basically, she doesn't need a super special (read: $$) school.

I believe education is important. And, since I believe part of "education" is learning tolerance, learning about other cultures and generally being exposed to folks that are different than she, I am strongly committed to having that education occur in a diverse environment. Thus, I think she's getting a better education at our neighborhood public school than she would at a homogeneous [public or private] school. And in terms of academics? There is a strong literacy and numeracy focus at Seattle Elementary Schools; including our school. It is a stated goal at our school that Kindergarteners read by the end of the year and in my daughter's class of 19 only 3 are still struggling and one has special education intervention services. They reach these goals with great teachers, dedicated classroom helpers (parents and others) and smart, progressive pedagogy – not with “command and control” rote drilling, etc. (I know that is a concern of some parents – they hesitate to send their kids to schools with a high percentage of minority and / or free-lunch kids based on the unfounded assumption that these schools are highly-structured, uncreative places. It is simply not true. My daughter’s school is 85% non-white and 65% free-lunch and it is a warm, friendly, fun learning environment.)

Bottom line – despite a lot of what you read (and the mom rumor mill) – Seattle Schools are fine. We have many great options in the Central and South clusters. Our school teaches Mandarin to all kids and has phenomenal art and PE programs, great teachers and a superb principal. All I had to do to "get her in" was list it as our top choice on the enrollment form.

Good for you for asking now – if you learn the ropes now, you can be less stressed later (whichever option you chose) ... my advice is to research the process for public school enrollment by reading the enrollment guide. (I've no advice re: private since we didn't apply to any private schools.) Find out what your reference school is and go on a tour; there is no rule that you have to wait until your child is four before you start looking at schools. Even if you think you would never send your kid to whatever your school is, it helps to see it to start to think about WHY . Or, maybe you'll tour and be pleasantly surprised. I toured then joined the PTA at my neighborhood school when my daughter was three and when it came time to fill out the enrollment form, I had no hesitation and no stress.

Regarding preschool – if you work and your child is in daycare, you don't need preschool. If you are home with your child and go to Little Gym or other classes like that, you don't need preschool yet. Preschool is all about social skills. As long as your child spends time with other kids learning how to share, how to wait her turn, etc. you're fine. My daughter went to our local preschool starting when she was three (we did a two morning / week co-op, Little Gym and similar stuff prior). When she stated Kindergarten she knew her ABCs, but not really very many letter sounds. She was reading by October. Academics in preschool are unnecessary – kids that age just need to play with each other and learn how to get along.

Regarding the “Why this Blog is Anonymous” category tag: it is impossible to not offend someone somewhere when discussing education (in our circle, education is way more controversial than religion or politics … we’re mostly all heathen liberals – but school?! Some pick private, some pick elite public, some pick alternative public and some pick neighborhood public and we all strongly defend our choices). Everyone wants best for their kid – we all just define “best” differently. I know that everyone that knows me knows how I feel about elementary school education. I hardly ever shut up about it. But, it being a somewhat sensitive issue hereabouts, I’d rather that a random acquaintance or neighbor doesn’t stumble in here after some innocent googling and end up all bent out of shape and feeling judged because they made a different choice than we. “Anonymous” will no longer be an option after next week anyway so who am I kidding? But humor me, will you?

Summer Fun Post Hijacked by Education Ranting

My lack of posting is not for lack of post-worthy activities, I’ll have you know. The day after school ended we attended a performance here, where Kid will start Kindergarten in the fall. It totally reinforced my belief that diversity benefits all kids – and their grown-ups. It is hard for me to write anything about school – this school in particular – without ending up on my soapbox. I am a fervent evangelist for the notion that children in diverse schools are less likely to develop racial stereotypes or prejudice than kids in racially isolated schools. Research bears out that they are more likely to have friendships with people of other races and they are more open to living and working in integrated settings as adults. I think diversity is important enough that I prioritize it about “good” test scores, smaller classes, more enrichment and other things that parents in my social strata typically use as criteria when picking a school. (When I say “I”, I mean “we” – Guy and I are on the same parenting page here … because we have the same values. How do people get and stay married who don’t? I don’t think I could. That whole Carville-Matalin thing? I don’t get it.) The way I (we) see it; Kid is the product of two college-educated, affluent, white Americans. She is going to be fine practically anywhere she goes to school – it’s Kindergarten for chrissakes. So we might was well pick one where she will soak up the blue-state-urban values that are so important to us – where she will osmosize (a word?) tolerance and respect for other kinds and cultures by being part of the whole mix. Besides, it is a great school! A lot of [white, affluent] parents see certain statistics (WASL scores below 90%, non-white enrollment above 80%, kids qualifying for free / reduced lunch above 60%) and assume they correlate to the quality of education. Not true! This is a school with a fantastic principal and staff and a really committed parent community that wins awards for “closing the achievement gap” … plus, they're starting a Mandarin program! (And frankly, between you and me – because I always feel guilty talking about this point – poorer kids with more needs bring more money and services to a school. So, class size is probably lower than at other public schools, there are more community-based social service agencies and non-profits running programs in these more “challenged” schools and it is easier to get grant funding for them. There. I said it.) Anyway. This post wasn’t supposed to be about all that because – around here at least – it is an issue that can be divisive and talking about it can cause hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Suffice it to say it was just about the cutest thing: the current Kindergarteners up on stage wearing tie-dyed tees and some sort of construction paper crown-ish things, singing and signing “What a Wonderful World” with all the parents craning with their cameras and beaming at each other. I always get a little choked up when I hear that tune since it was my wedding walking-down-the-aisle song, so I was all emotional anyway – but it felt great to feel so comfortable in a community of people and thus vindicated by the whole scene.

What was this post supposed to be about? Ah right, summer activities thus far. Next on the itinerary was this! Since I spent so much time on my soapbox, I’ll just have to leave you with the photos and tell you more later.

Freedom Now!

We went out to dinner (at Seven Stars Pepper - and though I am not sure that it is best Chinese food in town, I mostly agree with this) and Kid was sort of a pill. Nothing too horrible, but bottom line, she wasn’t “listening to my words” and was “being uncooperative” (these are the standard crimes and misdemeanors at House of Lucky) and so, she “lost her privileges” (the standard punishment [Oops! Can’t say that! We don’t punish! That isn’t positive discipline! Note the sarcasm?! As much as I look like a mom who practices this, I actually identify more with this and this … but that is a post for another day] consequence). There was some wailing and rending of garments (a too-small Disney Princess nightie from Target, specifically … the ONLY Disney Princess clothing she owns, thankyouverymuch) about such losing of privileges when bed-time rolled around. See, reading stories while cuddling in bed at night is a privilege. Her little tantrum ended with her adamantly stating, “You CANNOT take away my privileges because my privileges are IN MY HEAD!” Well! So! Getting a clue about personal freedoms are we, little Miss Four?! I think she was dialing the ACLU when I headed downstairs.

Duck & Cover

Yikes! Just read Ayelet Waldman’s Mind your own kids - “Sanctimonious parents, who preach "breast is best" and tell you that sleep training is cruel and unusual punishment, should keep their ideology to themselves.”

Hope her inbox is fireproof. I must say, living as we do in a city rife with AP types my reaction to the piece was “Right on, sister!”  When Kid was a few weeks old, I had her in the stroller at Farmer’s Market and I got the nastiest look from a mom with a similar age babe in a sling. We didn’t exchange words but her disdain for me – pushing along my sleeping bundle in a plastic contraption – was palpable. She did that looking back and forth between Kid and me thing with a puckered “something smells icky” look on her face. That was my first real taste of the competition among mamas. (There is an entirely other post lurking in the background here, to wit “is there really competition among mamas or is it the media” a la Miriam Peskowitz. I agree with Peskowitz in that this is mostly a shades-of-gray issue, but I personally have for sure perceived tension among moms regarding parenting choices.) I don’t run into it a lot (maybe I ignore it?) but it is out there. And I do have to agree with Waldman that I most often encounter it coming from the earth-mama-hippie-freak types that instead of pleading “why can’t we all just loves each other” are chanting “friends don’t let friends buy Bjorns” and lamenting the ignorance of those of us who immunize our kids.

It is notable how geography plays a role in all this. Here in our idyllic bubble in the northwest corner of ‘Merica you have to be pretty far out to identify as an Attachment Parent. I delivered sans epidural with a doula in attendance, own three of Dr. Sears’ books, nursed Kid until she dumped me at around two & made my own baby food - but I don’t qualify. Said delivery was also attended by an OB and was in a hospital, I also own the Weissbluth book, Kid drank my milk from bottles as well as straight from the tap and we used M&Ms to potty train. (I own as many slings as strollers – so I am calling that a break even.) On the other hand, I have a friend that lives in a less progressive city and the fact that she nursed passed six months got her labeled AP. I love living where we do in such a liberal place (indeed, am lucky!) but I do bristle at the comments, loaded glances and just general attitude of the oft-encountered holier-than-this-mama Sears cult members.

(On rereading this prior to posting it sounds harsh. But no one reads my blog (yet) and I guess I needed to get this off my chest. So, I am posting. Here goes.)